You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
