Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I want her autograph on my taint
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
