new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
