im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
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Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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