your room smells of hookers.
And success
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
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I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
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he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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