I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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