broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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