like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
