Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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