Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
