really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
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just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
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I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.