no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
