At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
