Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
