some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
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