I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
