i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
