Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
