Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
