well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
