She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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