i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
