im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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