turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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