apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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