The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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