So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
