Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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