Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
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Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
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It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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