Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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