it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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