Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
