oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
