my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
