There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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