He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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