I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
