My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
