That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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