I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
