Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
