My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
