If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
