Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
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