I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
