Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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