update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
