My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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