Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
