I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
