she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
