Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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