I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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