omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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