I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
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despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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