If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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