Why are handjobs necessary in class?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
