Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
