i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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