Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i think im in europe. pls send help
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
