i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
