I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
